I moved four times this month–out of my lake-house-sitting gig; into a storage locker; to a motel for a workshop in Arizona; and finally, into my car to drive to New Hampshire for my summer writing retreat. This situation reflected my decision to live through higher wisdom, to trust my intuition, to work on the expansion of my consciousness and to be of use in the universe.
The four moves culminated on a Saturday morning. My friend Jean came to the lake house and followed me, in my packed car, to park the car in friend Dayle’s driveway for the week. I’d pick it up after the workshop. Then, Jean delivered me to the airport to fly to the workshop. I dressed in my light colored pants and summer turquoise tank top – defying the instinct to wear stain-proof traveling black. Black clothing demand an allegiance which is hard to break. Truth told, though, black has never flattered me and I was feeling newly liberated from its utilitarianism. Stains be damned – the light colors clothing had been the victor for the day. At the airport, Jean unloaded my suitcase from her car trunk, hugged me and said, “Have a great adventure – I know it will be amazing.”
All my friends were not quite so enthusiastic about my latest plans. A few days earlier, Edith heard my itinerary, We were in her living room which is anchored with a deep blue and royal red Persian rug and velvet cushioned chairs. Fine wooden furniture accents the room and the long slate blue lake could be seen through the expanse of windows in the dining room, beyond.
“If it had your plans I would be very confused.” she spoke in that soft musical voice that could never offend. Her forehead wrinkled and she looked right at me.
I listened. I tried to acknowledge her feelings. “Yes, I know,” I answered and added, “But, it feel right. It will all work out.” I felt my confidence. But, also, I could hear my constant companion Old Scared Voice.
Old Scared Voice had a familiar theme. She repeated it now,“Hmm – I wonder if she is right? Maybe I have gone too far, this time.” The voice ricocheted inside me, finally losing its balance and falling down my mind’s back stairs onto the dirt floor of my inner basement.
Back in my mind’s kitchen, Soul-Self was making tea and watching the sunlight pour in the clear windows. Soul-Self thought, Old Scared Voice never can handle the light in the kitchen, or my Soul-Self clarity. Soul-Self sipped tea, smiled at my choices and chuckled at Old Scared Voice’s tumble.
Additionally, a few days earlier, I heard from another friend, Merle. We hadn’t talked in a long time. She listened to my update and summarized what she heard,” So, you are bouncing around.”
I almost corrected her. I knew it might look like bouncing from the outside … I think several would have agreed with Merle. But, did I want to explain the exacting precision and deep intuitions that had gone into every step of the last two years in this brief phone call? Probably not.
“Oh, “ I stalled, looking for the response that felt right. “Oh,” I said, and found my answer, “I need a high quotient of creativity in my life.” I closed the topic saying, “It will all work out well, I am certain.”
And, finally, there was my friend Carolyn, who had also expressed her doubts.
“So,” she twirled her coffee mug and looked sideways, “So, how much are you spending on this workshop?”
“Oh,” I hesitated. Initially, I wasn’t sure whether to feel affronted, or cared for! We are getting more and more frank with each other in deepening our friendship – so she wasn’t out-of-line – really. I decided she asked out of concern – not rudeness.
“Oh,” I stalled this time, also. I decided on transparency with her. “Oh, I got a deal on a motel rate,” I quoted numbers. “I got a flight on the lower-priced website.” I painted my purchases as economical as possible, which was mostly true. “The workshop was $1200.00,” I did shade that a couple hundred dollars low.
“I did pretty well,” I finished with an emphasis on my own satisfaction, which was completely true. I pretended I thought she was just interested, when I think she might have had some point to make that I shouldn’t be spending money on expensive workshops with low income coming in. But, she didn’t say that, or follow-up with anything else.
I love my friends and goodness knows we all need a mirror to reflect ourselves, especially if we are about to do something stupid. However, even with no obvious income stream, no definite apartment to return to in the Fall and my summer life packed into my car – I feel a spark in my bones. I know my Soul-Self and I are on the right track.